The Let Down

I had a million other things I wanted to write but none of them quite seemed like the right thing. So I’m just going to see what comes out today.

Four weeks from today I should have been starting maternity leave (if not earlier). Now I am not. I had prepared myself for three months off with my new baby and then to become part time at my job. Now, the let down: my baby is dead. Everything changes, and yet nothing changes.

In all honesty, I’m finding it very hard to enjoy my job because I wasn’t expecting to be there. I like what I do, I like the people I work with, I like getting out of bed and having some sort of purpose, especially now. But I don’t like that my baby is dead.

Just saying those words, “My baby is dead.” Each time I see them written on my screen my heart hurts. Each time I think about those words my heart breaks again. Adding to that I am now disappointed that I have to just work and not also be a mom: a let down.

Sometimes on social media I see people complaining about being a mom. Maybe not complaining so much as listing the woes of parenthood. And those woes are valid, of course. But at the same time, all I can think is what I wouldn’t give to trade places with them. I would love to be the mom who is super exhausted because her baby was up sick all night. I would love to be the mom with endless loads of laundry and a teething baby and rambunctious toddler. So many of the “woes” of parenthood are things that I would like to be doing and would love to have the chance to experience. A let down.

I am a mom — mind, body and soul. I carried Joanna her whole life. I held her body in my arms. We are connected forever by our bond. But the problem is I have no baby to hold now.

To raise.

To mother.

I would trade sick-baby sleepless nights for my restless-sleepless nights. The ones that come often because I can’t shut my mind down — the what-ifs and the how-could-you-have-fixed-this and the whys?!

But there is no trade. There is no do-over. There is no bargaining.

There is just life, continuing on, even through the let down: the heartbreak and ache of baby loss.



***I wrote this post on March 13 and forgot to post! Sorry***

I love flying. The feeling of drifting over the land and sea, cruising through the air, getting to where I want to go quickly and painlessly – it’s great! From up here things look good. I can see cars driving along roads, people going about their business. Boats traveling through the waters and docking at various harbors. Cities and towns waking up and preparing to go about their day.

Basically, flying can give you a good perspective on the world. From up here everything looks fine.

Do you think we often go through life this way? We walk though life looking at things from afar. When we look at others we see the big picture. But we don’t always know what is really going on.

Below me now, though all looks good, there are commuters getting into car accidents. There are people wondering how they will pay their bills this month. There are dogs getting lost, children being abducted, and houses on fire. So many things are happening that we don’t even know about. It’s not such a happy picture.

From the other direction, the world is looking at this plane and thinks things are great. But. Do they know that the seatbelt light is never going to turn off? Do they know that while we are moving forward we are hitting turbulence. Turbulence. Rough patches that make us uneasy.

I’m currently experiencing turbulence in life. But most people wouldn’t suspect. My (generally) care-free and happy attitude has onlookers seeing me from the ground — flying smoothly through whatever comes my way. But honestly, things are tricky.

The biggest cloud I’m flying through right now is work. And it’s a dark storm cloud…
Truth: I love what I do.
Truth: I love most of the people I work with.
Truth: I work for one of the best companies, and that’s saying a lot considering I’ve worked for Wegmans for 8.5 years!
Truth:My boss has a management style all her own. No one likes it. No one gets it. No one feels like they are doing a good job. No one is very happy.

It’s hard to work in these circumstances. I try my best, and while I know I’m doing well and may not be getting yelled at and my work may not be being torn to shreds, I’m terrified of the day it will be. I’m honestly scared of my boss. I am sick when I go to work and know I have a meeting with her. Luckily she works from our North Carolina office so I only ever meet with her by phone. Except for now. I guess I didn’t mention that I’m writing this as I fly to Boston. Once in Boston, I’m off to Cambridge to the office there. I’ll meet all sorts of new people, and get to hang out with my boss in person for the day…

I’ve been looking, quietly and generally, at job postings. I don’t know if I can fly through this cloud much longer. It makes me sad. Since I do love it here, but I don’t think you should ever have to be afraid of your boss and its not just mentally exhausting but it drains everything from me. I’m beyond tired every night. I can’t stay awake on metro. I have no energy to do a thing wen I get home…visit Bill. Play with Heinz. Just sleep.

Time to switch planes? Buckle up. It’s gonna be a bumpy flight for now.