It’s been a little while since I have written to you. But I figured you don’t mind, since I talk to you all of the time. I know your daddy does too, especially while he works in his garden.
I was thinking back to Mother’s Day, when I went into the nursery and sat down in the half-painted room, tracing your hand and footprints. I told you that even if the result of my pregnancy with you were the same, I would go back and do it all over again. Joanna, you meant so very much to us, you still do. We miss you every moment of every day, but most days have less tears, usually, than the day before. Every day also has more love for you than the day before.
Today marks 5 months since your birthday. You quietly slipped away a day or two before, in a moment I didn’t even notice. That breaks my heart, that as your mom I didn’t know. I try so hard to remember the last time I knew all was well, that last moment I felt you moving. But I don’t know when it was and for that I am sorry.
I am also so sorry you won’t be joining us for Emily and Cameron’s wedding this weekend. It was supposed to be your big debut with so many sweet friends. They love you, even now. Emily even told me that your dad and I can have your cupcake because she knows you will be there with us. These first milestones without you are so hard. But Emily is right – you are always with us, in our hearts forever.
And so, sweet girl, I wanted to share this quote with you, because I am in a place where I know it to be true:
“Sometimes I think of you and feel giddy. Memory makes me lightheaded… All the things we did. And if anyone had said this was the price, I would have agreed to pay it. That surprises me; that with all the hurt and the mess comes a shift of recognition. It was worth it. Love is worth it.”
Joanna, some of the happiest memories of my life are of you. I think back on my pregnancy and can smile. Not every day, but some days. Like I told you on Mother’s Day, I would do it again.
You are worth it, my love.
I love you.
2 thoughts on “Dear Joanna (5.29.15)”
Feeling your pain, but like you, will love her forever. I think you did know. But we all tried to tell you that you worried too much, because we love you and felt that you were anxious, which isn’t good for your blood pressure. Joanna is dear to me and so are you and Bill. Dad and I love you Honey.
Dear One, I am touched by the beauty in the thought that despite the searing pain, you would do it all over again to have that precious time with your little J. That’s some big Mother Love. I can’t help but think she is feeling fortunate to have chosen you and Bill. And what a gift to have friends and family that include Joanna in life’s big moments. May these shining diamond blessings get you through another day. Hugs. xo