Have You Noticed?

Sometimes, I wonder how observant people are. Do you?

Do you wonder if people notice things as small as: you trimmed your hair a half inch; you lost 3 pounds; you changed your nail color; you wore mascara today?

I wonder if people notice seemingly small things that are actually big: working late at your job not just because it’s the right thing to do (small thing) but because you don’t really want to go home and be alone in your quiet house with your loud thoughts (big thing); you’re clearly angry today (small thing) but this is a 180 from the last six months when you have been so sad (big thing); you’re texting with friends about babies, fertility and their TTC journeys (small thing) but your responses get shorter and have much less enthusiasm every day (big thing).

(I also wonder if Bill will notice the mess I made all over the stove because I didn’t notice dinner was boiling over as I am writing this…)

Somedays, I want to yell at people and say, “Can’t you see this is insensitive? Let’s not talk about it.” But at the same time, I don’t want people to walk on eggshells around me, so I tend to bite my tongue. I’m sure this hurts me more than it would hurt the others if I told them how I was feeling. But again, eggshells. We don’t want that!

Along this journey over the last 26 weeks and three days I have tried not to be angry. I have fought so hard not to be bitter. I think I was succeeding. But three days ago it changed. I don’t really understand why. I’m just being honest here – I’m angry. Maybe even a little bitter.

I’m angry a lot. I’ve noticed it. I wonder if others have… It’s not that I don’t want to talk about babies or to look at them or to see my friends’ kids or pregnancy announcements on Facebook or whatever the conversation may be, it’s just that it’s hard. And just because it’s been six months does not mean that it’s easier than it was before.

It will never be easy.

You know what else I wonder? If the cleaning crew at my office notices that I have ultrasound pictures and that they will never change.

5 thoughts on “Have You Noticed?

  1. Mom says:

    I think it’s natural to be angry, at times. And to have bitter moments, but don’t let them rule your life. Don’t let it take all your joy, joy you feel for your friends when they become parents, the joy of seeing sweet baby smiles, the joy that Shay can bring. Give your anger and bitterness over to God, although I am thinking maybe that’s who you are angry at… And yes honey, I am sure people have noticed, and in their kindness and love for you and Bill they are letting you be that way without telling you, or as you think, without noticing. Nothing could be as difficult as what you and Bill are going through. While we can’t feel your pain, we have enough compassion to know it’s still there, that in some degree it always will be.

  2. everydayspirit1 says:

    I think loving moms ❤ and a few other truly special people will notice, but mostly, I think people are in their own world. But those few who do notice and love you through the mess of grief can save your life. You have so much to be angry and bitter about and if that's where you are now, that's where you are. (As our fearless group leader says, "I've spent a lot of time in the anger column.") When you express it, by saying how you feel, or through your beautiful writing, or by beating up the couch or screaming into the pillow, it allows the anger to flow through instead of getting stuck inside. Even if only one person validates your nightmare, you are not in the journey alone. You can do this. You are doing this. Grace is here. Even in the anger. xo

  3. Jess says:

    It is easy to notice but it is hard to know what to do that would be helpful or even thoughtful. ❤ Not that I don't try to think of things, I do, but I still don't end up knowing what to do. I do pray for you and B and your future babies a few times a week. I guess that's all I can do. But do let me know if there is anything more I can do. -j

  4. aggranberg says:

    “Just because its been 6 months doesn’t mean it’s easier than before…” I just stumbled across your blog but wow, I know exactly how you feel. It’s almost been 3 months since we lost Ford, and it’s so hard. It almost seems to be getting harder even though some of the overwhelming sadness is lessening. I think it’s because people start to expect you to move on, and it becomes obvious by how they treat you and converse with you. And people don’t want us to be angry, so i notice myself getting defensive of my anger. It’s like, my baby died, If i want to be angry then I can! It’s hard to explain but I think I know just how you feel…

    • stillgracious says:

      I agree! And I also think shock starts to wear off this that terrible thing happened and you have to fully come to terms with it. I’m so sorry for your loss, I feel this with you. Thoughts and prayers coming your way.

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