What Sleep Won’t Solve

I’m tired a lot.

For a long time after Joanna died I didn’t sleep well. Some nights I would lay in bed, awake for hours. I would not be able to calm my thoughts and I would stare at the ceiling asking the what-ifs and play the blame game. Other nights I would sleep, but I would toss and turn and feel like I hadn’t slept at all when I got out of bed the next morning.

Of course those nights would lead to tired days. Days where I would wish for my bed. But when I would get to bed that night, sleep wouldn’t come.

Thankfully, most nights I sleep better now. I don’t miss Joanna any less; I tuck her carefully into the bed that is my heart, and we sleep in peace. There are still nights, like last night, that I don’t sleep well, or when the nightmares come, but generally, I am well rested.

However, I have been surprised to find that I am still tired. I am tired in other ways.

I’m tired from worrying. I worry over other pregnancies. I’m tired of doubt and of begging in my prayers that no one else would lose a baby. I’m tired from reading Facebook posts that talk about being in the “safe zone” or “past the scary point” and thinking to myself, “if only you knew.”

I’m tired of my heart racing and my stomach dropping when pregnant friends text me and I fear I will open the text and get bad news. I’m tired of phone calls from friends and asking them, “what’s up?” and then holding my breath when they reply “well…,” hoping they aren’t about to tell me they are pregnant, yet hoping so hard they will know the joy of motherhood.

My soul is tired. My heart is tired. Worn. Wrecked. The weight of grief is still making me weary, though I am not crying every day. Though I am not angry as often. Though I smile most of day again. I am simply tired.

I am tired of feeling this way…where I can’t just be “me” because “me” is someone new now.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “What Sleep Won’t Solve

  1. Mom says:

    I am tired too Honey, of all that and more. But life goes on for all of us, new life comes, old lives leave, but we must go on…

  2. LanaSalt says:

    I could have written this post myself, I’m exhausted all the time! It’s been 8 weeks since my little girl was stillborn and although I’m sleeping and eating well I have zero energy. As you say, it’s the weight of grief and the exhaustion of struggling with every moment of a life that is not as it should be. I hope life gets less tiring for both of us as time goes on x

    • stillgracious says:

      Oh. So very sorry for your loss, mama. Thinking of you and hoping you are feeling less weary as each day passes. xx

  3. Polina says:

    Once again, you got it so right. I am so very tired of the “new” me and sad that my “old” me is never coming back…

    • stillgracious says:

      It’s hard to accept that we must “get used to” our new selves. But truthfully, I don’t really want to be the old me, because that would mean Joanna would never have happened. Love to you, dear friend!

      • Polina says:

        I guess in my head “old” me is the one where Lev is born healthy and happy and “old” you is the one where Joanna is born healthy and happy and everything went according how it should have be and you and I met at the FairOaks Mom’s group… Love and hugs!

  4. everydayspirit1 says:

    Blessings, hugs and prayers to each of you, your old selves and new selves. With love and understanding. ❤

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s