Dear Joanna (10.19.15)

Dear Joanna,

I know you’ve heard this so many times, but only because it’s so, so true: I miss you.

These last few weeks have been feeling much harder, yet for some reason I thought maybe time would eventually make it easier.

Instead, as the weather gets colder, I’m reminded of how you were growing so steadily in my belly a year ago at this time. I had started to pop, was impatiently waiting for your 20 week ultrasound and still hoping the morning sickness (nighttime sickness) would go away soon.

Actually, a year ago this past weekend your Uncle Greg and Aunt Trish came to visit with cousin Shay. He was so little. I carried him around the zoo most of the day. I was so tired, being sick still, but we had a good time. Today I looked at the pictures of Shay from that weekend and realized…had you come along in April, around your due date, a year after Shay was born, you would be the same age right now as Shay was last year. Was that confusing? I hope it made sense.

Every time I see a picture of Shay from last year, it’s the same thing. I think of you and how old you should be right now. For the rest of my life I will look at pictures of him from “last year” and see you. In 2019 he will be off to kindergarten. I will look at that picture in 2020 and think how you should be headed to kindergarten. And so it will go. 

I don’t think time heals wounds. I think we grow used to the pain. Sometimes it aches as a fresh wound and causes great agony, and at other moments we feel it there, but we can focus on living and getting through the day. 

I wish you were here. I wish I didn’t have to know this pain. I wish I didn’t have to learn to live with it. I wish I could see you grow up. I wish I could hold your hand. I wish we were preparing for your first big holiday season with you in our arms instead of only in our hearts.

Joanna. Gracious gift from God. Can’t wait for the day we will hold you again.

xo,

Mom

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4 thoughts on “Dear Joanna (10.19.15)

  1. Mom says:

    I think of Joanna often. Not how she would be now, but as she was the day she was born. And then I look at my box of momentos, and see the picture of the little girl on the box, the little girl that I think of as Joanna now. My heart aches for you and Bill, and it aches for my little granddaughter, whom I love and miss so very much, Joanna Rose. I would never have thought it could hurt so much or that I could miss someone I never had a chance to really know.

  2. Crystal Silveous says:

    So beautifully written. I’m so sorry for your loss. I think time can heal but not when it comes to losing a baby. Time actually does the opposite. Like you said with each milestone that approaches you will always think of her and think about if she were here. I have thought the same with the coming holidays, then birthdays and etc. Your little angel is so lucky to have a mom that loves her so much 🙂

  3. everydayspirit1 says:

    What beautiful words of love. Love to you and Bill, and to your Mom and Dad as you all navigate the pain of all of these firsts. You are an incredible mama of Joanna. Hugs. ❤

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