On Growing Up

As most of you know, I love country music. A current favorite of mine is Maddie & Tae (see: Fly). They have another song, that generally the lyrics don’t mean as much to me as some songs, but one line says “that’s the downside of growing up.”

That’s alright, that’s okay
It’s just the way you find your way
It’s the road you gotta take to get where you’re going
You’re gonna twist, you’re gonna turn
But it’s how you’re gonna learn
A lot about life, a lot about love
On the downside of growing up

Gosh, isn’t it true? Life is hard. Some people have it worse than others, but everyone has their own struggles. Our biggest struggle, our deepest loss, losing Joanna and learning to live without her, is rough.

As we grow up we have these hopes and dreams and a vision of what our lives will be. We don’t realize what we are in for…working so hard and never feeling like we are getting ahead. Health issues. Losing grandparents. Financial struggles. Job changes. Friendships fade. Moving away from home. Losing children… So many things for which we’d hoped that didn’t come true or don’t turn out the way we planned.

We spend so much of our childhood wanting to grow up only to realize there are some pretty awful downsides to adult life.

But as I think of that: the downside of being an adult, I am quickly brought back to the reality that I get to be an adult. Joanna will never grow up. She will never be an adult.

Even with all the rough and tough stuff that happens to us as adults, oh, how I wish Joanna were here to grow up and discover so much good in the journey.

Working hard and being proud of what you do. Falling in love and marrying your one and only. Becoming best friends with your mom and always holding the title of daddy’s little girl, though you’re almost 30. Friendships that last 10 years, or 21 and that only grow stronger even when heartache happens. Adopting a pet who steals your heart forever. Becoming a parent and loving someone more than you ever thought possible.

The downside of growing up is that not everyone gets to do it — but they should.

If only they could.


One of the oddest things about being grown-up was looking back at something you thought you knew and finding out the truth of it was completely different from what you had once believed. –Patricia Briggs

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TTC, BBT, PCOS?!

A year ago today I was pregnant. 6 days earlier I had gotten the first positive pregnancy test of my life. It was the most exciting and wonderful time. 

We had been trying to conceive (TTC) for almost 18 months and couldn’t believe we were finally going to be parents. We had told my parents the day after we found out, because as luck would have it they were with us that same weekend. 

Because it was taking so long to conceive and because I was taking my basal body temperature (BBT) and knew I wasn’t ovulating most months, it was really quite a shock!

That week was sweet and scary. Knowing there was a baby was exciting. But I was also feeling like something was not right. Like I was cramping. Like this baby was not to be born. 

Upon first check of my beta levels, I was definitely pregnant. The second check didn’t look promising and then the bleeding started. 

A year ago tomorrow. No longer pregnant.

That first loss was so hard to handle. Thankfully some of our best friends came to town that weekend and were with us as our hearts were breaking. 

This loss pushed us to see a reproductive endocrinologist (ER) – the fertility doctor. He actually said that everything looked really healthy but did diagnose me with PCOS. This confirmed my suspicions since I already knew I wasn’t ovulating regularly. 

The ER gave us options. Try on our own for a few more months but add metformin to help sustain a pregnancy, use mild fertility drugs to induce ovulation or use mild fertility drugs plus IUI. Because my health insurance didn’t cover any treatment, we opted to add metformin and wait it out a few more months. 

Somehow we conceived Joanna naturally. I wasn’t even a week into starting the metformin. A miracle at just around the two year mark of TTC. 

And now, here we are again. Hoping for miracles as we think about our next TTC journey. Will it take another 18 months to give Joanna a sibling?

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week…so on this first anniversary of my first loss, I just wanted to share a little more of our story. 

Turbulence

***I wrote this post on March 13 and forgot to post! Sorry***

I love flying. The feeling of drifting over the land and sea, cruising through the air, getting to where I want to go quickly and painlessly – it’s great! From up here things look good. I can see cars driving along roads, people going about their business. Boats traveling through the waters and docking at various harbors. Cities and towns waking up and preparing to go about their day.

Basically, flying can give you a good perspective on the world. From up here everything looks fine.

Do you think we often go through life this way? We walk though life looking at things from afar. When we look at others we see the big picture. But we don’t always know what is really going on.

Below me now, though all looks good, there are commuters getting into car accidents. There are people wondering how they will pay their bills this month. There are dogs getting lost, children being abducted, and houses on fire. So many things are happening that we don’t even know about. It’s not such a happy picture.

From the other direction, the world is looking at this plane and thinks things are great. But. Do they know that the seatbelt light is never going to turn off? Do they know that while we are moving forward we are hitting turbulence. Turbulence. Rough patches that make us uneasy.

I’m currently experiencing turbulence in life. But most people wouldn’t suspect. My (generally) care-free and happy attitude has onlookers seeing me from the ground — flying smoothly through whatever comes my way. But honestly, things are tricky.

The biggest cloud I’m flying through right now is work. And it’s a dark storm cloud…
Truth: I love what I do.
Truth: I love most of the people I work with.
Truth: I work for one of the best companies, and that’s saying a lot considering I’ve worked for Wegmans for 8.5 years!
Truth:My boss has a management style all her own. No one likes it. No one gets it. No one feels like they are doing a good job. No one is very happy.

It’s hard to work in these circumstances. I try my best, and while I know I’m doing well and may not be getting yelled at and my work may not be being torn to shreds, I’m terrified of the day it will be. I’m honestly scared of my boss. I am sick when I go to work and know I have a meeting with her. Luckily she works from our North Carolina office so I only ever meet with her by phone. Except for now. I guess I didn’t mention that I’m writing this as I fly to Boston. Once in Boston, I’m off to Cambridge to the office there. I’ll meet all sorts of new people, and get to hang out with my boss in person for the day…

I’ve been looking, quietly and generally, at job postings. I don’t know if I can fly through this cloud much longer. It makes me sad. Since I do love it here, but I don’t think you should ever have to be afraid of your boss and its not just mentally exhausting but it drains everything from me. I’m beyond tired every night. I can’t stay awake on metro. I have no energy to do a thing wen I get home…visit Bill. Play with Heinz. Just sleep.

Time to switch planes? Buckle up. It’s gonna be a bumpy flight for now.

xo

The big welcome!

Hi, all:

I’ve decided to try to get back into blogging and this is just an introductory post.

Things I plan to blog about…

Hopes and dreams.
Preparing for baby (who is NOT on the way…yet).
The journey to lower blood pressure (through weight loss and a lower sodium diet).
How to be a good wife (not the same type of Good Wife as the TV show).
Finding joy in the small things.
And following God through it all!

If you like the sounds of this (you’re in for recipes, treats, crafts, funny stories and more) please follow my blog and keep reading. If this is too boring, I do apologize.

Welcome, world, to Mrs J at Home!Image