I Go Back to December

It’s been a while since I have posted. So much is going on lately I just haven’t found the time or energy to sit and write.

So I am making time now.

Now, it’s December. It’s Joanna’s month. The month we saw her alive on sonogram for the last time. The month we heard her heartbeat for the last time. The month we held her in our arms, and left the hospital empty-armed.

There’s a song by Taylor Swift (about a breakup, of course), but it always reminds me of Joanna and December and her birthday.

I’d go back in time and change it but I can’t…
I’d go back to December, turn around and make it all right
I go back to December all the time

Back to December

This is not to say that I wouldn’t do it all over again. No matter the outcome, I would still want Joanna. But simply that I wish I could go back and know that something wasn’t right. I wish I could fix it and that Joanna were here. Most nights when I can’t sleep I am reliving those last few days…I go back to December.

I wasn’t sure how December would make me feel this year. It’s amazing that it’s been almost a year already but somehow, I don’t know how we got here. I have been planning the usual December activities without much thought — just pushing through, trying not to get hung up on things.

But last night we had our annual Christmas tree decorating party and to me, Joanna’s absence was so obvious. Friends came with their children. One friend whose son celebrated his first birthday the day after Joanna was born. It reminded me that I missed his birthday party a few days later because I was not leaving my house, nor was I attending a party with a bunch of small children. Another baby boy was at our party too, who was born the day before Joanna. This is the baby boy I held only a few days after losing J. The first baby I held after Joanna. It was the first time I was seeing him in person since last December, and it was bittersweet — so good to see this sweet little boy, healthy and strong, but so sad to know that J should be the same age.

I spent the day Saturday prepping for our party and putting the lights on our tree. That night when I was coming up from the TV room to head to bed, I crept ever so quietly up the stairs and sat for a few minutes on the top step watching the lights twinkle in the dark living room. I remembered how I sat in front of the tree last year, with my parents, crying and watching the lights twinkle, the night before J’s induction.

I think December will continue to bring these memories to me, and I welcome them. I welcome the love, the happy moments, the teary ones, the laughter and even the painful moments. I welcome them all because I love Joanna and I wouldn’t want to hide from any emotion that her memory brings. I just want to feel them all, recognize that J is physically missing from our lives, but hold her close in our hearts for always.

Happy birthday month, baby girl!

6 thoughts on “I Go Back to December

  1. Amanda Ormsbee-Hildum says:

    Happy Birthday month sweet angel! Hope you are having a blast playing with my baby and you are good friends like your mom and me are.
    Carol, I love you and there is never a day that goes by that you & Joanna are not on my mind.

  2. Teebe says:

    I lost my baby girl last December as well. She was 25 weeks. December 1st. But the whole month is full of memories for me as well. Holding her, seeing her for the last time, putting her to rest and bringing her ashes home. All of my many regrets. Only my sister remembered its her angelversary . No one else. That hurt alot. I dont want her to be forgotten although her father and I could never forget her. Christmas will never be what it was but i hope to find some peace this year. I pray the same for you.

    • stillgracious says:

      I was 25+5! I don’t know what it is about December, but so many of our loss-parent friends have babies with December birthdays/angelversaries. I am so sorry for your loss, especially that only your sister remembered. Thank you for the prayers, I’ll be sending prayers your way as well. Much love.

  3. Mom says:

    I too have spent a lot of time lately thinking about last year. Remembering listening to Joanna’s heart beat on Christmas, remembering how much fun it was for you to open Joanna’s stocking Christmas eve and her gifts Christmas morning, remembering how happy we all were and how much we were looking forward to April. I miss you and Bill and I miss Joanna and all she brought to our family. She is always with me. Every day. Every place. Every moment. XO

  4. everydayspirit1 says:

    Sending you love and hugs as you approach her birthday. She always walks with you. Happy Birthday month, Baby J. You are so loved. ❤

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