I wanted to pop in and say that I miss you.
I was driving to work from the dentist today and burst into tears. I know…it’s still happening. And I’m not ashamed. My tears for you will always come, and they will always feel right, even though not having you feels so wrong.
Why did I cry, you ask? Because as I was listening to the radio, a song came on called What Hurts the Most. I am sure you heard it before, from inside my belly. It’s about a break up, a great heart ache. About a man who so wishes he had said what he was feeling and acted upon his love for his girlfriend. But he didn’t and she left. He lost her forever. Though you didn’t leave by choice and though I never neglected to tell you how much I love you, I can relate.
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ’em out.
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
even though going on with you gone still upsets me.
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok,
but that’s not what gets me.
What hurts the most was being so close,
and having so much to say…
And never knowing what could have been.
I also cried because the last time I was at the dentist there was so much joy! I was finally telling everyone that I was expecting you. I scheduled my 6-month cleaning and was already celebrating that you would be here, that I would have a little baby to bring along with me to the dentist, all cute and adorable in your little car seat.
But it was not to be, Joanna.
My arms felt so empty on Saturday morning that I held Elephant close and swayed in the sunlight for a while. I wish you were here, cuddling Elephant, and that I could cuddle you in the sunlight. Sweet girl, you’re one of my greatest loves, and losing you is my greatest hurt – what hurts the most.
Hugs and kisses, beautiful!
2 thoughts on “Dear Joanna (4.21.15)”
It must help you some to be able to express your feelings so well. Joanna was and is so loved, by so many, and missed, especially by those who continue to miss her, every day. Love you honey.
I was scheduled to go to the dentist two days after we got the diagnoses that our daughter wasn’t healthy. I couldn’t make myself go to the appointment and I can’t bring myself to reschedule. It was around the time that we were going to start to tell people and I couldn’t wait to be like ‘sorry no x-Rays, I’m pregnant!’. I’ve also noticed that from the moment I had found out I was expecting, I had a new life planned out. Every upcoming event, appointment, meetings either consisted of me being pregnant or with a child… Not only do we have to grieve the loss of our beloved children, but we almost have to grieve a future that could of been. I know there are no right words to say, but know that you aren’t alone. Thinking of you.